jinjulee

and then came the changing of the leaves

2010-11-08T00:42:00.000-08:00

in every story every told, or most stories nice enough to be romanticized in literature or film, the main character goes through a specific pathway to greater wisdom. the path is usually marred by some sort of challenge which comes with disbelief, rejection, then on to acceptance and finally, yes, the stated wisdom. it's an odd sort of combination that pulls at our heartstrings regardless of who is playing the role and we cheer at the much deserved happy ending of our hero's journey. do these sort of journey's exist for us in our reality? yes, of course. are they always as thrilling? eh, probably not. do our stories always contain a lesson learned, an assurance that we are better for what we have gone through?

one can only hope.

i have been watching a lot of movies.

it's been quite some time since i last logged onto this underachievement of a blog, but i have to admit that i missed it. there have been so many things that have changed for me in these last quiet months that i'm not quite sure where to begin.

first, an engagement! i hate to say that i have found my other half (so not betty friedan) but something quite better. i've found a best friend, a comparable accomplice to pioneer our world together. it's that heavy sort of love that you read about in 18th century literature.

must leave the rest for another day.

eyelids: heavy

irreconcilable differences: mes lettres a facebook.

2010-11-08T00:22:00.000-08:00

fb, you made it too easy to sweep into the lives of friends, acquaintances, even minimally "secured" strangers. you made known their weekend plans, their social history, who they are friends with and what they ate for breakfast and how the following indigestion made them ANGRY(!) grrrr. fb, you fanned my natural inclination to want to know the smallest details of my social universes and not only spurred me forward with great speed and diligence but pretty much made me an addict without me even knowing it. you greeted me with your pictures of shiny, happy friends - all smiling back at me, leaving me nice comments and making me feel like part of this vast, warm global community of awesomeness. but then again, was this sort of social exposure and knowledge something that was really necessary? to answer my own question, i decided to quit my love/hate relationship with you. and you made it so much harder than it had to be.

if something so seemingly useless is so difficult to let go, do you keep going? for me, it was the end of the road and i wanted to try something different. so fb, you and i - i suppose we are through.

i only want the best things for you and hope you bear no hard feelings.

come and meet the sloths.

2010-06-16T15:21:00.001-07:00

Meet the sloths from Amphibian Avenger on Vimeo.

i've been listening and....

2010-06-04T15:18:00.000-07:00

holy jakob dylan. why and how did i ever forget about you?

check out his new duet with courtyard hounds:

here

and the bunny says, "no asking stupid questions."

2010-05-07T16:52:00.000-07:00

last night, i had the pleasure of meeting one of my favorite authors.
his name is david sedaris.
he was on day 32 of his 35 shows in 35 days book tour.
of course, he did not disappoint. i was delighted to hear that he was publishing a new book of fables.
(squirrel meets chipmunk: a modest bestiary. to be released oct. 5)
i was even more delighted that he read from two of them. cynical and dark, but hilarious - in true sedaris fashion. i couldn't believe how quickly the two hours went by.

after waiting two more hours in a slow moving line, i met the very tired, albeit cheery mister sedaris. he shook my hand and then proceeded to draw a cat vomiting blood next to his signature.
(he took time to point out that it was bloody vomit)
he then noticed my dress, that had cats all over it, and commented "oh, how very adorable."
richard was proud of the fact that he was eyeing his cardigan the whole interaction and then finally inquired on the whereabouts of his fabulous purchase.

dowg

cat with blood vomit

my cat dress

an evening with.

i know it wasn't the queen of england, but i can't help but feel like life is now more whole.

scurvy. squiffy. swaggy.

2010-04-14T01:41:00.000-07:00

there are these days in which i feel this confused, angry and frustrated.

mostly (regrettably) due to my own incompetence.

but i don't really consider that when i'm in this state of said "confused, angry and frustrated."

there is also a possibility that these feelings are just extensions of one primary feeling: stress. i feel that as one major thing gets accomplished, another one rears it's ugly head and yet again, i have to gear up again. i can't help but wonder if this is what the rest of my life is going to feel like. this does not in any way contribute to the rose colored vision i had for myself ten years back. even my state of sleep is completely labile in that i float in and out of sleep state completely and in the morning, i wonder if i even slept at all. the other night, i felt as if i woke up at every hour. again, this does not define fun for me.

on a more positive note, part of these stressors carry some form of personal challenge for me. so. i have to remind myself that one day (oh please, oh please) i will look back and say that it was worth it.

completely unrelated. i happened to catch an episode of "wifeswap" this afternoon on the tube. do people still watch that anymore? although i wish i were one of those classy people that switch the channel, i always like a good dose of televised drama. therefore. i carried on. this particular episode featured a swap of an ocd, suburbanized cheerleader mom from la to a portland mother who was a pirate. whose pirate husband quit his real job to follow his dreams and have pirate parties, have pirate support groups, write pirate novels and have lots of pirate children. i applaud the producers that dug this gem of a combination out of the ground.

for my last mixed note of the evening, i was able to share another year of aging with my personal bests and the loveliest of friends. good food and karaoke will never go out of style. never, i say! and so. with this, i'm shoving up my sleeves and taking it like a short man with a small (ahem) that has something to prove.

arrrr, back to me davy jones' locker, me scallywags!

♡

2010-04-02T19:08:00.000-07:00

jane is so very proud of dick.

(now can i get a sweatshirt?)

adventures of dick and jane, part une.

2010-02-28T11:42:00.001-08:00

while watching a particularly "romance" drenched taping of the bachelor one monday, jane started to perseverate on the continuous oohs and ahhs of the settings. beachside picnics, pirate ships, frolicking by the splashing of waves, you know all that good stuff.

to which dick replied, "baby, this is what real romance looks like."

jane looked around her, surveying the surroundings.

the couch, their sweats, the huge bowl of ramen they just consumed.

"yes," jane replied, "this is what true romance looks like."

Les enfants sennuient le dimanche (The children are bored on Sundays)

short film by autumn de wilde

celebrity smut, bloggers and such

2010-02-16T00:32:00.000-08:00

1. some insight into my previous hypocrisy

confession: i used to have a rather involved and personal affinity for celebrity "smut" magazines as we used to call them. perezhilton.com was a website i frequented and us weekly was one of many guilty pleasures that i indulged in.

2. not ok to use names like "maniston"

lately though, i can't help but feel increasingly disgusted by the whole lot of them. continuous updates of degrading and insensitive remarks. picking apart their personal relationships and highlighting their every imperfection. were comments like these made to the average joe, we would find the average joe hiding in a dark corner sucking his thumb and rocking to his latest pill addiction.

3. stated open mind & alternate ending

granted a degree of notoriety might aid a career here and there. but i wonder why it seems like a heightening impossibility to just critique their performances while concurrently letting those that skillfully bring us these fantasy characters just slip into anonymity at the end of the night.

4. current status

picketing the imaginary forefront of celebrity smut with angry homemade poster board in hand. yes, please and thank you very much.

can't wait for march

2009-12-16T16:09:00.000-08:00

two consistently beautiful things that i consistently love

2009-12-15T18:52:00.000-08:00

danse serpentine - loie fuller

fooled me again, honest eyes

christmas came a little early this year

2009-12-14T21:18:00.001-08:00

and my, what a christmas gift it was...

semi-holiday blurb

2009-12-12T16:46:00.000-08:00

it’s raining.

not the usual sloppy, flaccid sort of southern california rain.

real rain.

waking up to the lovely drumming of water tumbling and dripping was comforting and reminded me of lazy sundays and of that perfect balance of being perfectly warm and perfectly cold.

real rain.

the pouring was satisfying and it made me want to chase away the glimmers of sunlight, attempting to weave its way faintly through the fog. i felt anxious that it was going to power through the flawless saturated gray of sky. the only thing lacking was the indistinct crescendo of distant thunder. that would have made today unsurpassable.

on a slightly different note…

i worry frequently. a frequent, unfiltered worrier.

if there were a grand master for worriers, i would be it. granted, the worries are often internalized and fortunately for those around me, only a fraction of these worries are actually verbalized. the only probable sequel to all this worrying is obviously scenario making.

scenario making is more advanced than what one might think and it utilizes deeply fortified and honed skills. the more complex the scenario, the more characteristics each scenario starts to possess and then your mind really starts running with it. simple sightings of a homeless-sign-carrying-money-requesting-man sticking his thumb up at the end of a highway ramp makes me worry and before i know it, my imagination is trying to jump and cling onto make believe family backgrounds; that uncle that died of alcoholism, how close they must have been, the fishing trips he might have taken as a boy, that vile first love that left him and the weird second cousin that always complained about her ingrown hairs. the what ifs and who ifs are endless and soon the worries are no longer centered on reality but rather on unfeasible concocted characters and situations that will probably never exist.

realizing the frequency in which this occurs made me also realize how often there are deadly silent periods of time in which i naturally zone out and forget about, say, the other person in the car. sometimes there is a nervousness that drops its heaviness in the air and makes the other person stumble to say something to silence the silence. in those moments, instead of explaining, i wish i could press a button that would release a projection of images from my brain to explain why i was so suddenly caught away from my place in the passenger seat.

there is a little bit of crazy in all of us.

the other day, i caught a co-worker concurrently shaking her head and stating, “wake up! wake up!” to herself in a violent manner that reiterated my assumption that she thought no one else was around. granted it was that looming food coma hour that usually comes after lunch and lasts through about three every afternoon, but i couldn’t help feeling startled and that combined with her discomposure made us collapse in laughter.

a little crazy never hurt anyone.

i am so delighted about the holidays. not necessarily to the glittering of lights, bright jewel tones, or all the sensational prints applied to wrapping paper. every muscle in my body is rigid with excitement at the thought of flying back east and simmering in family. this year, feeling sick for home was overwhelming and that north carolina air seems so tangible i feel as though it could be solid. I also bought ridiculous holiday outfits for my dogs, all the while smiling with anticipation, envisioning the expressions on their faces that will say with an unwavering stupor, “are you kidding me?”

so ends my semi-holiday blurb. now go smell the dampness wafting up from the pavements and then cozy up to some chet baker in bed.

word of the day: inneresting

2009-12-12T10:55:00.000-08:00

i just watched a chuck close documentary. innersting. reeeaal innersting.

and for a laugh and a bit of that warm feeling in your insides:

http://www.herbanddorothy.com/

ch-ch-check it out.

in the words of arnold schwarzenegger...

2009-11-09T22:24:00.000-08:00

"i'll be back."

the summer gods are calling my name.

2009-05-21T13:40:00.000-07:00

last night, there was something in the air.

in my back yard, of course.

it reminded me of a pungent combination of late night back road drives in the cool tennessee summers with the indescribable excitement of breezy la nights. there was even 'the' smell. 'the' smell of something quintessential and perfectly blemished waiting to surprise me just around the bend.

utopia

it. was. perfect.

so as i leaned back, i turned up owl city's 'hot air balloon' on high, closed my eyes and took a deep long cancerous breath.

(that's loma linda air, for those of you that don't know)

i felt so elated that i wanted to dance around.

i did for maybe 30 seconds before i started feeling stupid.

the old lady with her cats next door must be thanking me for those 30 seconds of ridiculous entertainment.

but who cares?

it. was. perfect.

the other day, i laughed so hard cause someone was wondering out loud how t.i. must be doing in jail.

i ran into a newer friend and an older porch swing.

at that glimmering moment, the friend, swing, and wrap around porch

seemed to come in a perfectly wrapped package.

the day was hot, but the coffee was cold, and the drip, drip, drip of the condensation was more a reminder of how you can blink, and poof, moments like this pass you by.

i had forgotten about porch swings.

but was reminded with a snapshot of how beautiful uncomplicated simplicity can be.

we forget these things sometimes.

(it really is a shame).

it's like fairy dust

2009-05-07T19:29:00.001-07:00

badgley mischka knows me. he knows my heart.

beale sister number...3?

2009-05-04T17:04:00.001-07:00

aren't there times in which you wake up unexpectedly early, feel unexpectedly optimistic and unexpectedly, the day is suddenly full of promise.

(well, mostly cause you jerked awake at 730 thinking it was 1230 and you smile as you melt back into bed, cause of course, you're gonna award yourself with an extra hour).

i've been having an abnormal amount of days like this. there is a "however.."however. however constructive i am in the early morning hours, by midday, i turn into a beale. minus the the fashion and song and well, random creativity. i feel like an air mattress at the end of a long weekend of camping.

don't ask me why i'm so stuck on the story of grey gardens.

(btw, hbo did a very good job)

maybe it's cause it's of the stirring mother/daughter/love/hate relationship?

or the mysterious, albeit, unfortunate transformations from socialite to isolation.

nah, i just wanted to see all the cute kitties and racoons scurrying about.

i've recently become quite taken by a john william's score, one that he wrote for the '95 movie sabrina. it's stirring and flat just in the right places and that in combination with la vie en rose, well...it could make me stay up all night. it does an explosive high five with the cool night air.

recently, i cut my bangs too short once again, except this time, i couldn't really "hide" it and it made me all angry at myself and i shouted loudly, "FML!"

someone once told me that all true quality music, i.e. the classics, has a tendency to be sad, tragic. beethoven should have been in crescendo in the background forecasting the tragedy to come post my hurried attempt to save 5 dolla and trim the damn bangs myself.

"FML!"

i've been reading this book "gang leader for a day: a rogue sociologist takes to the streets" by sudhir venkatesh. i've concluded that all my life results are boring and embarrassingly cowardly in comparison, no matter what i tell myself.

sometimes i feel so small.

yesterday, i had an ultimate fatty moment. i was craving pizza, but it being midday, was tired and hermity. result? i ordered one to be delivered home right to me. i wondered why it was so expensive when i hit "order now" but shrugged it off. when the doorbell rang, the delivery woman stared at me, alone, in sweats, completely judging, while i stared at her, alone, with a friggin' panormous pizza. she kinda chuckled while she walked off and i stood there staring at the pizza and shook my head at myself. i still have a whole pizza and half if anyone is interested.

although i'm a sometimes petty, emotional, and rather lazy person with a small black pocket burning in my pants with unresolved issues...

i'm happy to report, there will always be people that love me. regardless. don't you think that's amazing? puahaha. you suckers.

(but it's ok, cause you love me).

this entry has become long and tedious to me. off you go. shoo.

watch me.

2009-03-17T11:33:00.000-07:00

grey gardens. maysles brothers. 1975.

fascinating, fascinating documentary.

delayed response to the year 2008

2009-01-08T22:16:00.000-08:00

can not believe the brink of a new year has already come and gone. this past year has admittedly been somewhat of a roller coaster ride, but the things that i am so thankful for completely overrule the negatives. i feel like i have accomplished much more than i anticipated.

this year overflows with unforgettable memories....

not only did i make a huge move to start a new chapter in my life but to my delight, the move brought with it many new beautiful friends as well as a reuniting with very old friends.

so many people opened up their lives and so warmly handed out much needed hospitality that made a new place seem so comfortable so quickly. and i don't think that i will ever forget that. i've faced challenges and mistakes that crushed me at the time but led me on a road to discovering myself even more. they deepened my own personal insight into myself and i feel like i am more whole due to those circumstances. thank you all my friends, "soul mates," as well as my lifelong rocks that have continued to be there to support me and to celebrate with me! to prevent this sounding like a senior year yearbook entry, i will leave it at this.

i so anticipate this new year that is already in gear and have sparkling new hopes for what is yet to come. shiny new slate for shiny new memories.

word vomit

2008-11-18T18:26:00.000-08:00

i'm currently sitting in a bioethics class.

the fact that i'm writing this entry whilst pretending to listen could very possibly, most probably be considered unethical.

i have to laugh though,

(looking around the room)

most of us are unethically huddled over our laptops.

some

(that one lady in the corner)

are munching derishously on del taco tacos.

some pretend to stare intently into space as to contemplate the deeper meaning that is ethics.

of course there are some that are super into the content and respond with super involved answers.

(which is just as fine)

there's this one guy that looks so overwhelmingly beat that when he's not browsing his iphone, he's sleeping, with not even a hint of shame.

i think that's what i'm taking away from class tonight. that regardless of a small room, a crowded circle, and a humorously excited professor stamping and stomping about in the middle of that same circle - he sleeps.

this makes me feel like i can be whatever i want to be.

what inspiration.

so an update on how i've been.

i've taken to trimming my own bangs and growing out my hair.

the grass is always greener right?

but the trimming-own-bangs part...yeah. i always cut them just right, then feel they are too long, go juuuuust a little bit shorter then (gasp) i realize now they are just too short.

it's a vicious cycle.

there's this one lady that is in my pharm class and walks several buildings down to our next class, trailing behind her a little wheeled backpack. honestly, i haven't quite figured out how she always beats me to this class. and i even drive. sometimes, i watch her out of the corner of my eye as our first class finishes, and walk quickly (yet inconspicuously) to my car and race over to our next class...but dammit, she's always there before me!

i am jealous.

and have concluded that she has secret powers that i hope to possess one day.

i saw a picture the other week of a corgi puppy with extraordinarily short nubs for legs. and it was so cute, i almost cried.

i recently got one of those hello kitty personalized check cards from bofa and ever since then, i get carded less.

i seriously considered skipping classes to go to the live shooting of dancing with the stars tonight in la.

and then i came to my senses.

james bond sucked, i'm looking for a derishous recipe for a pumpkin cheesecake, and am wondering why i can't make a living off of eating derishous foods.

rollercoaster of a sunday

2008-11-16T21:58:00.001-08:00

these next few months are gonna be...trying for the soul.

this little light of mine

2008-11-13T15:17:00.000-08:00

sometimes you roll over and no matter how much you try to rub the sleep from your eyes, the world of dreams just. won't. let. go.

the fogginess is like heavy cream and regardless of the strokes you take to paddle out of it, it just. won't. let. go.

you repeatedly hit snooze and mutter inward curses while you start making plans on how to get back here as soon as humanly possible.

when i was much younger, there would be nights where i would start from my sleep, awakened by a bad dream that i couldn't quite wake up from. i remember it would cause my heart to race and the fear of the hidden somethings under my bed was paralyzing. i would lie there, unable sleep, begging and praying for the light to peak up between my curtains.

when it finally did, i cannot describe the flood of relief that was brought with that small ray of sun.

i feel like those experiences were unfortunate forms of character building. it made me appreciate and look forward to a day full of potential promise with a kind of zest not unlike taking that first corner bite of a really good cheese pizza.

i've been needing a healthy dose of appreciation for life as of late.

it escapes me much more often than i would prefer.

or maybe i do appreciate...

and just tend to be wasteful.

and am susceptible to forgetting the worth of all these passing minutes that make up my day.

(slap on the wrist) and onward ho!

my body does not want to be hot

2008-11-03T12:38:00.000-08:00

workout+me=difficult, difficult times.

on a more positive note,

went traveling halloween weekend to the season opener at lake irvine.

i didn't realize the avidness of fishermen until pulling up at midnight to find we were already placed in the 4th line of eager fishers of...fish.

post taking a short nap to prepare for the next day festivities, at 5 in the am, i woke to find there were even more lines that had formed next to us.

it was a sea of chain smoking, beer drinkin,' boat pulling, flannel wearing fishers of...fish.

and OH the excitement in the air.

(high fives all around, campfires complete with competing fish tales)

then OH the intensity with which we fought to get just the right spots, setting up the rods and casting with a QUICKNESS.

(i normally do not move my body with that kind of quickness)

it was hot but amazing, tiring at times, but super rewarding.

we maxed out and were pleased with the day's results.

deep shame

2008-11-02T18:37:00.000-08:00

courtesy of richard choi. who also happens to be a genious.

cheers to november (by the way)

2008-11-02T18:22:00.000-08:00

"who are you,little i

(five or six years old)

peering from some high

window;at the gold

of november sunset

(and feeling:that if day

has to become night

this is a beautiful way)"

-e.e.cummings

so i've gone and gotten infected

2008-11-02T17:04:00.000-08:00

as much as i feel like i am going to get pounded in the face for this, i have to admit i've developed a recent addiction to the hairspray soundtrack.

(long moment of awkward silence)

i just can't get enough. it's my current crack of choice. like disney soundtracks for the pre-pubescent.

it has a way with me. makes me feel all sorts of bright and optimistic. it also makes me feel like i should get up randomly and burst into song. it also makes me wish the world were a musical, like that one episode in scrubs.

"it's guy love between two guys..."

but let's be honest, who couldn't use more musical in their lives?

(BE HONEST). heh.

which leads to my infection. apparently, according to a friend, living holed up in a certain (cough) city leads to a vicious case of insomnia, drama, and "infection." according to him (the friend), i'm "doomed." which places me in a very sad sad predicament. not that i ever developed any sort of love affair with my current residence, but i don't know if i would have put it so severely. but he is wise. so i should probably heed the warning with some form of attention.

oh, and i had a tumor on my side i once called myspace.

it is now and forever gone.

it feels like i just took a big ____.

tra la la...i love hairspray and i don't care.

what does this mean again?

2008-10-30T20:49:00.000-07:00

lori: "what does priapism mean again?"

jinju: "i think it has something to do with the eye..."

(clicking of keys while we look it up)

(simultaneous burst of embarrassed laughter)

lori: "well, i'm not gonna ever forget that."

fyi: i knew there was some connection to an eye

bahaha.

it's cause you know my HOT body.

2008-10-30T14:23:00.000-07:00

so it's official mah peeps.

yours truly WILL (in due time) have a HOT body.

today, as in just 15 minutes ago, i have decided to invest in

a personal (how you say) kicker of the ass.

i've even decided to give her the title, PKOTA.

i think it sounds pretty cute. almost sound likes a small

town in alaska...or idaho.

anyhow. wish me luck. i'm a little bit scared.

as in, if i had balls. they might shrivel up.

there's this coffee shop that i frequent in the downtown part of

this little gem of a town. i like it cause it's kinda chilly inside and i don't have a chance to fall asleep. i also like it because you have to show some competitive spirit when fighting for the prime real estate (the BIG tables). and they play emo music. which sometimes makes me feel like one of those free bird artsy types that can say their job is to sit in such places and soak in the ambience as to bring forth their creative innards.

(there are also masses of 18 year olds that surround the place with their clouds of cigarette smoke)

"this is a non-smoking bench, bitches!"

(to which they might reply, "well, i don't like your moses sandals.")

the other night, i happened to stay here particularly late, and this strange man kept standing by our table and nodding and staring. at first we thought he was trying to pressure us out of our "prime" real estate, so we decided suffrage(!) and held our ground.

about 15 minutes into it, we kinda freaked out and left.

so much for that.

this isn't cause i happen to be a celebrity whore. (or a politico).

2008-10-30T14:09:00.001-07:00

1:11..."do not vote...NOT."

1:59..."is there time for me to make a small shit, please?"

2:58..."i like porno."

3:28..."this isuh boring."

brought a little bit of light to my day.

wowza (and that's with an exclamation)

2008-10-28T00:34:00.001-07:00

A SHORT LOVE STORY IN STOP MOTION from Carlos Lascano on Vimeo.

poster girl for responsiblity

2008-10-27T13:43:00.000-07:00

sometimes, there are moments in which one feels so overwhelmed with stress and disdain in regards to something that one's brain defaults into an "i don't care" mode that is all too familiar as well as detrimental in one's hopes of obtaining "higher education." one's brain can also trick one into thinking:

"it'll be ok"

"things always work out"

"you're smarter than you think"

the reality happens to be:

no.

aaaaannnnnd...

no.

and apologies. i'll stop referring to myself in third person.

it's annoying.

a how to: making of a jinju

2008-10-27T12:36:00.000-07:00

simplify. simplify. simplify.

SIMPLIFY.

it's my new mantra. a pledge i've forced myself into making. to help myself out.

i've been repeating this as i clean out my closet, refrigerator, as well as when i'm caught up in the sometimes near psychotic inner workings of my mind.

(bits of ocd and over analyzing. possibly some paranoia?)

(hotdamniloveselfdiagnosis)

i digress.

it's always difficult to start something. anything.

well, possibly not everything. let's just say off the top of my head, starting a car isn't too bad.

neither is staying in bed on a sunday.

(who am i kidding, any day seems to work for me)

but.

today we are focusing on the difficulty of things.

(hoorah for examples)

(we love examples)

learning the basics in hand eye coordination, "studying," moving one's body for weight (cough) health reasons, peeling an orange, and so on.

so instead of a clumsy attempt to explain myself.

a montage. of pictures. for you. about me.

an addiction

brain food

a constant and most necessary companion

one of many guilty pleasures

makes me feel better in the mornings

foaming action=squeaky clean

necessary to avoid dried glue-like sensation on one's face

the bed in which i lie

(and have to peel myself out of)