the summer gods are calling my name.

last night, there was something in the air.

in my back yard, of course.

it reminded me of a pungent combination of late night back road drives in the cool tennessee summers with the indescribable excitement of breezy la nights. there was even 'the' smell.  'the' smell of something quintessential and perfectly blemished waiting to surprise me just around the bend.

utopia

it. was. perfect.

so as i leaned back, i turned up owl city's 'hot air balloon' on high, closed my eyes and took a deep long cancerous breath.

(that's loma linda air, for those of you that don't know)

i felt so elated that i wanted to dance around.

i did for maybe 30 seconds before i started feeling stupid.

the old lady with her cats next door must be thanking me for those 30 seconds of ridiculous entertainment.

but who cares?

it. was. perfect.

the other day, i laughed so hard cause someone was wondering out loud how t.i. must be doing in jail. 

i ran into a newer friend and an older porch swing.

at that glimmering moment, the friend, swing, and wrap around porch

seemed to come in a perfectly wrapped package.

the day was hot, but the coffee was cold, and the drip, drip, drip of the condensation was more a reminder of how you can blink, and poof, moments like this pass you by.  

i had forgotten about porch swings.  

but was reminded with a snapshot of how beautiful uncomplicated simplicity can be.

we forget these things sometimes. 

(it really is a shame).

it's like fairy dust

badgley mischka knows me.  he knows my heart.

beale sister number...3?

aren't there times in which you wake up unexpectedly early, feel unexpectedly optimistic and unexpectedly, the day is suddenly full of promise.

(well, mostly cause you jerked awake at 730 thinking it was 1230 and you smile as you melt back into bed, cause of course, you're gonna award yourself with an extra hour).

i've been having an abnormal amount of days like this.  there is a "however.."however.  however constructive i am in the early morning hours, by midday, i turn into a beale.  minus the the fashion and song and well, random creativity.  i feel like an air mattress at the end of a long weekend of camping.  

don't ask me why i'm so stuck on the story of grey gardens.  

(btw, hbo did a very good job)

maybe it's cause it's of the stirring mother/daughter/love/hate relationship?

or the mysterious, albeit, unfortunate transformations from socialite to isolation.

nah, i just wanted to see all the cute kitties and racoons scurrying about.

i've recently become quite taken by a john william's score, one that he wrote for the '95 movie sabrina.  it's stirring and flat just in the right places and that in combination with la vie en rose, well...it could make me stay up all night.  it does an explosive high five with the cool night air.  

recently, i cut my bangs too short once again, except this time, i couldn't really "hide" it and it made me all angry at myself and i shouted loudly, "FML!"

someone once told me that all true quality music, i.e. the classics, has a tendency to be sad, tragic.  beethoven should have been in crescendo in the background forecasting the tragedy to come post my hurried attempt to save 5 dolla and trim the damn bangs myself.  

"FML!"

i've been reading this book "gang leader for a day:  a rogue sociologist takes to the streets" by sudhir venkatesh.  i've concluded that all my life results are boring and embarrassingly cowardly in comparison, no matter what i tell myself.  

sometimes i feel so small.

yesterday, i had an ultimate fatty moment.  i was craving pizza, but it being midday, was tired and hermity.  result? i ordered one to be delivered home right to me.  i wondered why it was so expensive when i hit "order now" but shrugged it off.  when the doorbell rang, the delivery woman stared at me, alone, in sweats, completely judging, while i stared at her, alone, with a friggin' panormous pizza.  she kinda chuckled while she walked off and i stood there staring at the pizza and shook my head at myself.  i still have a whole pizza and half if anyone is interested.  

although i'm a sometimes petty, emotional, and rather lazy person with a small black pocket burning in my pants with unresolved issues...

i'm happy to report, there will always be people that love me. regardless. don't you think that's amazing?  puahaha.  you suckers. 

(but it's ok, cause you love me).

this entry has become long and tedious to me.  off you go.  shoo.  

watch me.

grey gardens. maysles brothers. 1975.

fascinating, fascinating documentary.

delayed response to the year 2009

can not believe the brink of a new year has already come and gone.  this past year has admittedly been somewhat of a roller coaster ride, but the things that i am so thankful for completely overrule the negatives.  i feel like i have accomplished much more than i anticipated.  

2008 overflows with unforgettable memories....

not only did i make a huge move to start a new chapter in my life but to my delight, the move brought with it many new beautiful friends as well as a reuniting with very old friends.

so many people opened up their lives and so warmly handed out much needed hospitality that made a new place seem so comfortable so quickly.  and i don't think that i will ever 

forget that. i've faced challenges and mistakes that crushed me at the time

but led me on a road to discovering myself even more. they deepened my own personal insight into myself and i feel like i am more whole due to those circumstances.

thank you all my new unnies, friends, "soul mates," as well as my lifelong rocks that have continued to be there to support me and to celebrate with me!  to prevent this sounding like a senior year yearbook entry, i will leave it at this. 

  

i so anticipate this new year that is already in gear and have sparkling new hopes for what is yet to come.  shiny new slate for shiny new memories.

word vomit

i'm currently sitting in a bioethics class.  

the fact that i'm writing this entry whilst pretending to listen could very possibly, most probably be considered unethical.  

i have to laugh though, 

(looking around the room)

most of us are unethically huddled over our laptops.

some 

(that one lady in the corner)

are munching derishously on del taco tacos.

some pretend to stare intently into space as to contemplate the deeper meaning that is ethics.

of course there are some that are super into the content and respond with super involved answers.

(which is just as fine)

there's this one guy that looks so overwhelmingly beat that when he's not browsing his iphone, he's sleeping, with not even a hint of shame.  

i think that's what i'm taking away from class tonight.  that regardless of a small room, a crowded circle, and a humorously excited professor stamping and stomping about in the middle of that same circle - he sleeps.

this makes me feel like i can be whatever i want to be.

what inspiration.

so an update on how i've been.  

i've taken to trimming my own bangs and growing out my hair.  

the grass is always greener right?  

but the trimming-own-bangs part...yeah.  i always cut them just right, then feel they are too long, go juuuuust a little bit shorter then (gasp) i realize now they are just too short.

it's a vicious cycle.  

there's this one lady that is in my pharm class and walks several buildings down to our next class, trailing behind her a little wheeled backpack.  honestly, i haven't quite figured out how she always beats me to this class.  and i even drive. sometimes, i watch her out of the corner of my eye as our first class finishes, and walk quickly (yet inconspicuously) to my car and race over to our next class...but dammit, she's always there before me!

i am jealous.

and have concluded that she has secret powers that i hope to possess one day.

i saw a picture the other week of a corgi puppy with extraordinarily short nubs for legs.  and it was so cute, i almost cried.

i recently got one of those hello kitty personalized check cards from bofa and ever since then, i get carded less.   

i seriously considered skipping classes to go to the live shooting of dancing with the stars tonight in la.  

and then i came to my senses.

james bond sucked, i'm looking for a derishous recipe for a pumpkin cheesecake, and am wondering why i can't make a living off of eating derishous foods.

rollercoaster of a sunday

these next few months are gonna be...trying for the soul.